Bima Loxley shares her views on orgasm to mark The Annual Global Orgasm for World Peace (21 December 2021)
Is it just me, or do you also really dislike it when someone asks you what an orgasm feels like? Even if I could answer it, I wouldn’t, because the answer is so subjective!
On the one hand, some folk could shout from the rooftops what their orgasm feels like and could go into minute detail about how they got there, on the other hand, other folks would avoid the topic completely or ask: “what’s an orgasm?”
In my line of work and studies, I am more than happy to help someone explore the meaning of their orgasm, through a conversation of course. In fact, I am honoured when someone feels comfortable enough to ask this from me or to open up in a session, but I also know that I need to wipe my slate clean every single time. I need to clear my mind of any personal ideas about orgasm and give them the space for discovery.
Unless the subject is broached by someone else or it’s necessary for therapy work, I might avoid the topic completely. Not because I am shy, oh no, but because you simply do not know how someone else feels about “le petit mort”.
You see all over the media folk bragging about orgasms, multiple ones, g-spot ones, look-no-hands ones, but I know there’s someone out there, possibly a 16-year-old version of myself, saying: “can’t I just have the one to start?”
Yes! Yes, you can and yes you will. How? I hear you ask.
I assume people who read blogs about orgasms want to know the who, what, where, when, why and how, or are at least asking for a friend, so here goes.
Who: You! Always start simple and start with yourself. When you’re alone and getting to know your body, there’s no pressure or fear of judgement.
What: Use whatever you like. Your fingers, a toy (or multiple toys), lube, shower head, NOT your electric toothbrush (body-safe materials only please), the edge of your sofa.
Where: Somewhere where you feel safe and comfortable.
When: Not when you’re hungry, angry, anxious, or any of those pesky emotions that will distract you from the matter at hand, especially if this is your first time.
Why: That’s for you to answer only. You should be wanting to orgasm for you and no one else (in the sense that it shouldn’t be performative). This is your body, your vulnerability, your pleasure and it would be wonderful if you didn’t feel forced or influenced into something you’re not ready for.
How: Start slow and alone. Get comfortable. Give yourself time, lots of it – hours, days, weeks, months! Start with exploring your whole body, find your erogenous zones, get to know what feels good and also what doesn’t feel so good. Then focus on your genitals – clitoris, labia, vaginal entrance, anus for vulva owners; penis, balls, perineum and anus for penis owners.
Don’t set the goal as orgasm, as that will only distract, instead set the goal as pleasure!
Now that’s all about the physical, but we also have to be engaged mentally too. To help with this I want to remove some orgasm myths for you, so you can release a little bit of anxiety.
Myths:
- Sex should end with an orgasm.
- The best sex is when all partners orgasm, especially at same time.
- The G-spot orgasm is superior to the clitoral orgasm.
- It’s gay to play with your prostate and orgasm this way.
- You must orgasm to get pregnant.
- If you orgasm during assault or rape it means you want and enjoyed it.
- You should never masturbate when in a relationship.
- All vaginas can orgasm from penetration alone.
- If you don’t orgasm after being aroused, your balls or vulva will spontaneously combust! (Blue walls/Blue walls)
- There’s only one way to orgasm.
- Young and old folk don’t orgasm.
- Faking orgasms is OK.
Just to emphasise, none of the above is true! Think the opposite.
There are no rules when it comes to your orgasm if you even want to orgasm. So long as you are enjoying yourself, are asking for and giving consent and are not in pain!
Go, be free and explore your pleasure to your heart’s content this National Orgasm Day and then go explore some more until your hand tires or your toys run out of battery. We’ve all had a hard couple of years, we deserve at least this.
Bio for Bima Loxley:
I am a passionate qualified sex and relationship and COSRT registered therapist as well as a trained sex educator.
I hope to remove the taboo in this field and be one of the many great therapists who help others with their sexual and relational issues, especially within the GSRD community.
I’m also a trained Cruse Bereavement volunteer.
